Victoria’s Redneck

So here’s a funny one for ya, has nothing to do with the arctic outdoors but does involve a jungle!

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The jungle of Salt Lake City that is! I spent some time in Utah and Nevada working on my brother in laws drill rigs, started out as a drill helper and eventually made driller. Every 30-40 days they would fly me home to Alaska for 10 or 12 days off, a lot of work. So this particular time I was headed through Nevada for Salt Lake but knew I had some time to kill so I stopped by a friends house for some insane dirt biking, just flat out wild hair ball riding!! After a couple hours of that I continued on to Salt Lake and was about to take the airport exit when I remembered my anniversary was during my break and I should really surprise my wife! Now I didn’t know my way around Salt Lake City but, my Iphone did! So I punched in Victoria’s Secret on the map and would you believe it, there’s one in a mall 10 miles away! I pull up to this place and it’s flat out HUGE, people every where all fancy city lookin folks and I jump out of my truck wearing a tight Alaska Grown shirt with no sleeves, Wranglers with a nice buckle, and White’s work boots! Not to mention the spackling of mud and dust from the riding! I pushed open the front doors like a……. Boss and said to myself, “welcome to the jungle baby, now where’s Victoria!?”

I’m on the 5th floor of this place now and I can see the store up ahead and suddenly I’m feeling a little shy, kinda awkward, probably already blushing. I was hoping it would be empty but no, it was packed. Full of women and a couple of metro lookin dudes, if you can call them dudes. There’s no way I’m gonna go look through the undies, that’s weird. Bumping elbows with people lookin at undies, better just get some perfume or something like that.

Thank goodness there’s the perfume. A couple sniffs later I found a nice one, put down the sample bottle and grabbed the box and opened it to make sure it weren’t empty and I hear a whistle. Wootwoo and it was close, real close. I turn around and there’s 3 ladies lookin at…. well you guessed it, undies. 2 of em made eye contact lookin at me like, “HELLO, what do you want?” So I quickly spun back around to inspect my perfume again. I crack that little box open again and there’s the perfume but would you believe them ladies had the nerve to whistle at me again?! Wootwoo, I knew it was one of them to, knew it since the first time they did it.

Now I’m not sure what to do cause ladies I am not on the market and I should just ignore them but the polite country boy in me is sayin that I should at least acknowledge the fact that they think I’m so handsome. So I close my box of perfume and turn around to face the 3 of these bold whistling women and I say to them, “Ya’ll have a nice day.”  Yep, just as smooth as I was in high school!

At this point I’m turning to head for the cashier when one of them ladies says back, “What?” “I said have a nice day.” Then another one says “Why are you talking to us?” Well jeewiz they couldn’t take have a nice day so now they gotta make a big deal about it so I’m like, “Why are you whistling at me?” Nowww the third lady chimes in and says, “We’re not whistling at you dummy, that box is whistling at you.” I’m thinking yea right, I heard the whistle clear as day but on the other hand these ladies look really smart. I look down at the little pink and blue box in my still muddy hands, hmmm, there’s a tiny speaker on the side. I open it again and there I see a light sensor and hear another wootwoo, close, real close.

And at that moment I realized what redneck country boys realize all to often, I shouldn’t be here right now ehh! My face was now as red as the undies they were holding, all they got this time was a shallow nod and I walked off with a chest full of pride! I exhaled as I approached the cashier and I asked her, “Do I have to pay extra for this darn whistling box?!”


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